Home.

Brace yourself this is going to be a long one.

I haven't been posting in like forever and I apologize for that. A lot of things happend and it was all so overwhelming I had my mind everywhere but here. And with a lot of things I actually mean that one thing: I'm back in Austria for quiet a while now. 

But lets start at the from the beginning: On the 12th of June 2016 I got on a coach that would bring us down south to Winchester with a few other exchange students for our last night in the United Kingdom. I feel like it all happend so quick and then again it felt like the world stoped moving for a moment when I waved out the window of the coach to my crying hostsister while they moved further and further away. On the other hand I was so insanely excited for our farewell party and about the fact that the night after this one I will sleep in my own room, my own bed. Leaving at this point didn't feel like leaving. I didn't realise departure was just right ahead of me and that I will leave this life for good. I knew I want to come back at some point in the future but it will never be the same. I will never have the same everyday life with my hostfamily, never will hang out with my friends knowing I will meet them the next day in school. No, that will all be gone. At this point I understood the meaning of the (very stereotypical) saying 'it's not a year in a life it's a life in a year'. The year was over and so was the life.

The farewell prom wasn't as emotional for me as it was for a lot of the other students. I didn't spend my year with the wast maturity of these people, I already had my big goodbye. Yet it still was lovely to have that one last night to be a special one. Going to sleep this night was strange though, I was in bed all ready to sleep and tired to death after a day like this one. And yet I still refused to fall asleep. I don't know why it felt like if I close my eyes now, in the last night of my exchange year, I would end it forever. Waking up the next morning didn't feel any less weird but I was so excited to get on that plane, to arrive at home, to shout 'I DID IT' on top of my voice (which I didn't really do but I should have) and to see all the familiar streets and faces.

Carrying my way too heavy luggage across London Heathrow airport was like dragging my whole life from one point to another. When I was packing my suitcase I wasn't 'packing to leave' no I was putting my whole exchange year in three bags (I still don't know how I managed to bring everything back). It's not like you pick your four favourite tops and put them in a bag. You clean out everything, you pack it all until it looks like no one ever lived in this room. When I finally was able to check in my luggage and got on the plane and sat down I was sitting on needles. I wanted to take off, I wanted to land and see my mom and my dad and my sister and my grandparents and I wanted to hug them all. And the moment I walk out the door of the airport with my tons of luggage I was so reliefed and happy and proud of myself. It all felt good.

Earlier in like May or something I talked to my hostmom and she asked me if I'm excited to go home. I wasn't sure what to answer since I had the feeling that if I say no it's weird because well it's home and I will have to go back no matter what. And if I would say yes I was scared people would think I don't like it in the UK. My hostmom then told me that it's ok to look forward to home because you did what you wanted to do, you achieved your goal and you can be proud of yourself. And you know what she was so right. Throughout my exchange she has always been there for me and helped me with all the struggles I had especially at the beginning. Thank you for all of that I couldn't have done it without you!

The weird thing now is that when I look back on the whole year I tend to just see the good things. I remember all the bad days but the good ones just seem bigger. Yet the bad experperiences are just as much a part of it all as the good ones because without them it wouldn't have been an experience. It would have been just a good time. I only realised that now after I left. The uncomfortable things made me learn my lesson, made me grown (unfortunatelly not in bodysize) and helped me become a different person. It's so hard to describe all of the different feelings and experiences because everyone sees it different and therefore everyone would experience and describe it different.

When I got back home I was scared that everything would just continue as if I was never gone. And it was exactly like that. Nothing has changed a single bit, not the people, not the town nothing. And although people told me I didn't change a lot either I felt like a completely new person that has seen the world and everyone else was still stuck in the tiny life of normality. It took me a week, maybe two to reach the floor again and to be able to admit that I am part of this world as well and to accept that life continues.

Being able to say I did what I did makes me proud. It makes me believe in myself more than ever (oh what a klischee) and I am what I am and that year was a an unforgettable experience that certainly challenged and in consequence changed me. But you know what, I would do it all over again.



Lots of love,
LeaLila
x

(sorry for the bad quality of the pictures but ya no phone photos..)